Always on my mind
by Zoetjetoch
Summary: Christian has made a foolish drunken mistake on NYE. He's going home, overcome with guilt. Will he come clean...?
1. Chapter 1

_A/N : This scenario came to me after seeing the NYE 2010 episode of EastEnders (and - for purposes of clarity - before seeing the NYD one). Couldn't stop myself writing it... needed to cheer myself a bit up after NYD... but it's probably the fastest fic I've ever written, so bear with me if it's not up to standards... __Haven't decided if it's going to be a one-off, or if there's going to be a second chapter..._  
_**Please leave a review if you can. Thanks! **_

**Always on my mind...**

I'm dragging my feet... It's an awful feeling. For the first time since Sy and I are together, I feel reluctant about going home. Ever since he chose to be with me, I've been living on cloud nine. But today, I've come crashing down. And it's all my own stupid fault.

The evening went from bad to worse. To horrid. When the dreadful news hit us, I felt like someone dealt me a violent blow to the stomach. I was left breathless, powerless, drained and defeated. And sober again. Life is so bloody unfair sometimes. Why do these awful things always happen to good people? All I could think about was going home to my Sy. Now.

As the dumbstruck crowd filed out of the Vic, I found Roxy tugging at my sleeve. I can't believe she suggested we hit the West End. What the hell was she thinking? So, okay... she had too much to drink. I can make allowances for that. I've had too much to drink myself. But still... I find myself wondering sometimes why I still consider her one of my best mates. I do love her. She's great fun, we have tonnes of laughs, but sometimes she just... astounds me. Like that time she spiked Syed's drink.  
And now she wanted to party? After this?

"Go home to your daughter," I snapped at her. Or at least I tried to snap. My voice sounded croaky and weak. I could feel tears pushing at the corners of my eyes.  
"Go home to your daughter, Rox, hold her tight, and count your blessings" I said.  
She looked at me as if I came from another planet, then some sort of realization seemed to strike her alcohol-hazed brain. She blushed, and wanted to say something, but I just couldn't bear any more, and I turned and left. Hurrying to get home. To count my own blessings...

And now I'm nearly there, and I'm dragging my feet.  
What the hell have I done?  
You've done nothing, the voice of reason whispers in my head. Nothing happened.  
No, maybe not.. but something very nearly did. It shouldn't have. But it did. And I didn't even see it coming.

We fought.  
Syed and I fought.  
We'd had tiffs before... of course we had.  
But this was different. This was worse. Far worse.

I wanted to go out tonight, celebrate, have a party... but he just wanted a quiet romantic night in, just the two of us cuddled up on the sofa. Any other night, it wouldn't even have been a discussion. I love our quiet nights in, and I'd choose that over a drunken night with Roxy every time.  
But not tonight. "But it's New Year's Eve" I whined. Even I could hear how I sounded like a spoilt little brat. But I wouldn't let on.  
"New Year's Eve is for partying" I insisted, when he stubbornly asserted that he didn't want to go out.  
And so we hit stalemate.

I do know why Sy wanted to stay in tonight. For the exact same reason that I wanted to go out.

Last year.

Last year on this day, I lost him completely. My last desperate attempt to change his mind had failed miserably, and I ended up losing him. The very next day, he crushed my last shred of hope that we would ever be together.  
I don't want to think about that anymore. I don't want to dwell on the past. The past is gone. Today we are together, and it's a time to celebrate that.  
Why can't he see that?

But I know in my heart that for Sy it is different. Today reminds him of all the hurt he caused, and all the pain he went through himself. How he made the wrong decision. How much he hurt Amira. And me. And his family. How he lost them. I know Syed is happy in his life with me. I have no doubts about that and I know he has no doubts about us either. But no matter how bold and brave he comes across most of the time, I also know that he's still terribly hurt by his family's rejection. And today of all days he just can't put on the brave face. So he just wants the peace and quiet, and just be with me.

I knew all that. I understood it.

But some annoying little part of me just refused to give in. I wanted to go out, party, and have fun.  
And I told him that.

"I want to enjoy myself tonight" I said. But his face was still closed off to me and he wouldn't listen to my reasons. I was exasperated by his non-reaction and I lashed out. Stupidly, the words came out of my mouth before I could stop them. I hadn't meant them to be as hurtful as they ended up being. The moment I said them, I wished I could take them back.

"I want to enjoy myself" I shouted at him angrily "Not sit here all night wallowing in the past!"

Syed looked as if I'd struck him in the face. He paled and his eyes clouded over. I knew that look so well, I'd seen it so often, back in the days when we couldn't be together. I had hoped I'd never have to see it again. I had promised myself I would make sure I'd never have to see it again. And in all the months we'd been together, I never had. And now it was back.

By the time I realized what I'd done, it was too late.

He called me shallow.  
I called him boring  
He called me inconsiderate  
I called him opinionated...

In the end, we found ourselves glaring at each other angrily, tongue-tied suddenly. Without a word, Syed turned on his heels and went to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him. I left the flat in a huff, in search of Roxy, and determined to have a good night, no matter what that narrow-minded boyfriend of mine said or thought...  
By the time I'd reached the Vic, of course, I'd changed my mind. I couldn't leave it like this. I turned around to go back home, when Roxy latched on to me, happily screeching something in my ear about making this a night to remember. "New Year's Eve's for partying" she squealed, echoing my exact words to Syed earlier, and almost despite myself, I found myself smiling at her unbridled enthusiasm.  
"Oh, what the heck" I thought.  
"Yay, Rox... that's the spirit! Let's get bladdered!" I laughed loudly, and happily let me lead her into the pub.

I'm not going to deny it. Of course I thought of Syed. Every five minutes I did. No... more like every five seconds. I kept feeling that slight tug at my conscience. Maybe I should go back. Tell him I'm sorry. Make up with him, cuddle up on the sofa, see the new year in together. Tell him that I understand. That I love him.

But instead, I let myself get dragged along with Roxy. My own choice of course. There's no one else to blame. Roxy appeals to a side of me that has been deeply ingrained in me for so many years. That 'old' Christian I still digress to, that I still can't seem to let go of. Not even for Syed.  
I feel guilty about that. And because I feel guilty about it, and because I try so hard to shake off that guilt, I stray further and further on that path. It's as if I can't stop myself.

Why do I keep doing this? It always ends in tears. Look at the mess I'm in now. What have I been thinking?

There's only one thing that really matters.  
Syed.  
I love him. Oh my God, I love him.  
I need to go to him and tell him that.  
Now.

My feet pick up the pace, my heart skips a beat, and I hurry home.

0+0+0+0

When I turn the key in the lock and quietly open the door, I find myself in darkness. All is quiet. In the silence I can hear his breathing. He is asleep. My heart sinks. I don't know why I even expected him to wait up for me. It's not as if we parted on good terms. Maybe I should be glad he's even here. I feel my stomach heave at the thought that he might have left me. But he hasn't. He's here.  
And he has left on the light above the cooker, as he always does when he expects me home late. I suppose that is a good sign.  
I should be counting my lucky stars. And I am. But I feel so awful... and so guilty. I run my hands over my face, and exhale heavily. I'm such a fool.

My eye catches the yellow patch on the hood. It's a post-it note. I know what it says. Reminding me to switch off the light before I come to bed. Usually followed by a "love ya" and a kiss. Will that be on there today?  
After everything I said.  
After everything he said.  
I feel a pit in my stomach as I approach, and my hand shakes when I tear the note free, and hold it under the light to read.

_"You know what I'm going to say about the light. Just do it."_

No love and kisses then, I quietly despair, and I'm not sure if the tone of the message is meant to be joking or just plain angry... but then I notice... there's three scribbled letters at the bottom.

_"P.T.O."_

My stomach flutters nervously as I turn the little paper over.

_"You know I love you. Don't ever forget._  
_Sy xx"_

I want to cry. My knees start to wobble and I just about manage to pull out the nearest chair and lower myself on it. I put my elbows on the table and bury my face in my hands. I don't know which feeling prevails. The relief at Syed's sweet words of love. Or the guilt over what I've done.  
And there's that horrid utter sadness at everything else that happened tonight. The death of a child really makes anything else pale into insignificance.

And still...  
Only one thought keeps hammering through my brain.

I kissed another man.

Ever since it happened, I kept dancing around it in my mind, trying to shrug it off as a stupid, insignificant, drunken, foolish blip. But now I can't deny it any more. Here, in the face of Syed's forgiveness, his beautiful sweet declaration of love, I have to face up to the raw reality of what happened. Of what I've done.

Fact is... I let this man get close enough to kiss me. I saw him coming closer, and I could have avoided the touch. And yet I didn't.  
Why was I even alone with him? Why did I go with him when he suggested to find a quiet spot to talk? Why?  
He wasn't even my type. He was nothing like my type. Apart from the fact that he was male, and that he was wearing a skirt... there was nothing about him that even vaguely interested me. Why would I even want to look at another man when my boyfriend is by far the most gorgeous specimen I have ever laid my eyes – and my hands – on..  
I can blame the drink, I can claim a moment of involuntary insanity. But fact is... I was there with him alone. And I let him kiss me.  
The moment his lips touched mine I knew it was wrong. It felt awful and sickening, and I couldn't get out there fast enough... But it happened. I let it happen.

Realization suddenly strikes me. As if I look on from the outside, I can see myself the way I am when I'm drunk and professing only to be out for a good time. Loud, bashful, party animal Christian. Never let any seriousness get in the way of fun. Oh no...  
I chuckle bitterly. The 'old' Christian...  
I'm not sure I even like that side of me any more. I'm not sure I want to be like him any more.

I sigh and get up. I tiptoe over to the bed where Syed is still blissfully asleep, and I gaze down on the beautiful sight before me.  
Syed.

Sy.  
My love.  
The one person that matters more to me than anyone has ever done.

I don't know how long I stand there. I stand there and look at him. And I know without a shadow of a doubt : here in this bed is the one thing that matters.

Sy.  
My life.  
My life how I want it to be.  
The only way I want it to be.

I switch off the hood light, and get undressed. As I slip into bed beside him, I feel the warmth of his sleeping body envelop me. And it puts a lump in my throat.  
I want nothing more than wrap my arms around his waist, and spoon him close to me. But I am breathless with the guilt I'm feeling. All I can do is rest my head against his shoulder, and close my eyes shut.

"I'm sorry, Sy" I whisper against his shoulder. "I'm so sorry."  
The last thing I expect, is for him to turn around, wide awake.  
"I'm sorry too, Christian" he murmurs, as he tentatively puts his arms around me.

He's taken aback when, without any warning, my tears suddenly start flowing. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop them. He pulls me close, and wordlessly comforts me. And I find myself lost in his loving embrace, in his gentle touch, in his sweet whispers.

I love this man. No matter what stupidities I do, no matter what spanners fate may put in the works, I will always love this man.  
And I know in my heart that he will always love me.

And I hope he will forgive me.

"You do know I didn't mean it when I called you shallow... don't you?" he whispers at last, in a feeble attempt to lighten the mood, but I only cry harder.  
He pulls back slightly to look at me. Even in the sparse moonlight he must see something in my face.  
"What's the matter, Christian?" he asked with some alarm in his voice. "Please. Tell me"

And I open my mouth to tell him. To tell him of my stupid, foolish, drunken mistake.  
But then I don't.

Instead, I tell him Kat and Alfie's devastating news, and we find ourselves crying together over a life that never was...

0+0+0+0

As I feel sleep finally overcome me, safely tucked up in the arms of the man I love, I feel that tinge of guilt hitting me again.

I must tell him the truth.  
Tomorrow.  
Tomorrow... I will tell him the truth.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N This chapter turned out longer than I thought, so there's going to be a next and final chapter 3 - To be posted soon.  
Remember this is a parallel universe. Not to be mistaken with the real story that's about to develop further in tonight's EE. ;-)  
__Syed's POV._

**CHAPTER TWO **

I worry about Christian. He's not himself. He's silent, subdued, and... decidedly...shifty. Yes, shifty, for lack of a better word. He clearly has a hangover, no doubt about that. But I've seen so many of Christian's hangovers, and I know that this is different.  
Yes... the devastating news about Kat's baby has knocked him sideways. He was so terribly upset about it last night, and to say the least, so was I. To loose a child... I cannot fathom it.  
I couldn't help but think of Kamil. I remember when he was born, and he didn't breathe at first. Christian was there too. Thank goodness Christian was there. He saved the day. And as far as I'm concerned, he saved Kamil. He wouldn't – and still won't – take any thanks for it.  
I can't imagine what Kat and Alfie must be going through right now... I wish there was something I could do for them, but of course there isn't. All I can do... is pray for them. Yes, I will pray for them, for Allah to give them strength and comfort and support.

Christian though.  
Something's off. I know something's definitely off. I can feel it in my bones.

Last night was the worst. I didn't mean to fight with him. I hate fighting with him. But I really didn't want to go out. I didn't want to run the risk of bumping in to my parents, and having to pretend not to care about the way they ignore me or flash me accusing looks. I can live with that most of the time. I'm happy with my choices. Very happy. But I'm still ashamed of the pain and the embarrassment I caused them.  
And another part of me is so angry with them . Their outright refusal to even consider my feelings, their short-sighted, narrow-minded views, the way they treat Tamwar...it makes my blood boil.  
I don't know how I would haver reacted if I'd seen them. Last night of all nights.  
Last year on this day, I made the worst decision of my life. I know that. I don't need to be reminded of it, I don't want to be reminded of it. But it's always there. Nagging away at me. Still.  
I don't understand why Christian thought I'd want to wallow in the past. It's the last thing I want. Last night, I just wanted to be with him. Feel him close to me, his arms around my waist, my head on his shoulder, his lips on mine... Us together, and the knowledge that, in the end, I did make the right choice.

But he rather wanted to drink the past away. Pretend it never happened. Fact is... it did happen. We can't deny it. We can only build on from that... and up till yesterday, I think we were doing a rather good job too.

I sigh.  
And then I called him shallow.

There is a side to Christian I have a hard time relating to. Christian the party animal sometimes seems like Christian the alien to me. He knows that. We'd been through it before. We've talked about it, we've argued about it, we've laughed about it... But in the end, I love every part of him. The party animal is just as much part of him as that gentle giant who I snuggle up to at night, who knows it when I need nothing more but for him to hold my hand... I don't want him to be any different. He knows that too.

The "shallow" comment just came out, and I wished so hard I could take it back. But things just went from bad to worse, and so I ended up spending New Year's Eve on my own. And in the absence of the only person that matters, I had only my memories of last year to keep me company.  
Of course I could have gone after him.  
But of course I didn't.  
Just the thought of him and Roxy doing their childish drunken act was enough to make my stomach heave. And that nagging little voice in the back of my head telling me that maybe.. just maybe... Christian really preferred to spend New Year's Eve with her, instead of with me.

Stupid thoughts. I know. But there you go.  
Where Christian is concerned I sometimes feel completely out of my depth. At times I find myself watching him, this beautiful, self-assured, gorgeous man, and I wonder why the hell he wants to be with me. With me... silly, scared, insecure Syed.  
He's changed me. He's actually made me like myself. Slowly but surely, I start to see myself through his eyes. And I like what I see. I do.  
And still... I get scared.

So as I sat there on my own last night, watching some over-enthusiastic presenter on TV count down the last seconds to 2011, there was only one person on my mind.  
So what, if we're different. He's the only one I want to be with. And I know he wants to be with me. I know he loves me, and I love him. After everything we've been through to be together, how could I possibly doubt that... ? He fought for me, as hard as I fought for him. If he didn't give up then, if he hung on then, there's no reason why he wouldn't hang on now.

I couldn't stay angry, I can never stay angry with him for long.

I watch him now as he's sitting there watching TV, his eyes focussed on the screen, but his mind so clearly elsewhere. I love this man. I want him to talk to me, tell me what's wrong. It's so unlike him not to say what's on his mind. I feel helpless.

I decide to take the roundabout approach, and slide on the sofa next to him, snuggling up close. "Shall we watch The Sound of Music then?" I keep my voice light. "You can do your Captain Von Trapp act, and I'll be all the naughty children...". He doesn't respond. I reach out for his hand, and he flinches.

He _flinches_! I'm scared now.

"Christian!" My voice is high-pitched and I realize I sound desperate and worried.  
I _am_ desperate and worried.  
"Christian, please, talk to me! Please tell me what's wrong...I..." My voice fades and he still doesn't speak. I swallow and start again.  
"Is this still about yesterday? You know it meant nothing... You know I _love_ you..."

He pulls back again when I try to take his hand, and suddenly, as if bitten by some invisible bug, he jumps up from the sofa.  
This isn't good. This certainly isn't good.

I watch the muscles in his back tense, his jaw clench, his hands running through his hair. He's clearly in turmoil, struggling with himself to reach some kind of decision. And I don't know what to do. He turns around at last to face me, his eyes are brimming. I stand up too, my knees are shaking, and I move towards him tentatively.  
"Christian, please, you're scaring me... whatever it is... I love y..."

"I kissed another man last night!"  
He nearly shouts it.

His words hit me like a blow. They hit me like a punch in the stomach. I can't stop myself from physically doubling up. I feel the bile rising up in my throat.  
I feel like my heart is pierced, like my soul is being ripped in two.  
I can't breathe…

"I'm sorry," he whispers.

Whatever I had expected, it wasn't this.  
I can barely speak with the blood pounding in my head, but I have to ask the question. The question I thought I'd never have to ask. Maybe I'm jumping the gun… but I have to ask.  
"Do you want to break up with me?" It's hardly a whisper.

I force myself to look at him, even though I can barely stand the thought of what I'll see in his eyes, of what the answer to that awful question may be. His eyes widen in shock.  
"Break up with you?" he sounds astounded. "God, Sy... no!"  
I feel some kind of relief, if you can call it that, rush through me, as I realize that breaking up had not even entered his mind. He steps closer and reaches out to reassure me, but I pull back.

He kissed another man. He kissed another man!

Suddenly the shock dissolves into anger. I can feel the sense of betrayal wash over me.  
"How could you?" I shout.  
At least, I intend to shout. But the words come out like some miserable plea instead.  
"How could you?"

"I'm sorry, Sy" he whispers. "It didn't mean anything... I... I was drunk... and it was hardly more than.. than a peck... it was more him kissing me than... I know it sounds lame and I know it doesn't make it any better, but I feel terrible about it and..."  
He rambles on, but I'm hardly listening. I feel rage boiling inside of me.  
"_You_ feel terrible?" I shout … "what about how _I_ feel?"

I can't believe he's doing this to me, after everything we went through. After _everything_ we promised each other.  
"I gave up my entire life for you, and _this_ is how you thank me? " I lash out.

He flinches, and recoils as if I hit him. I know it's hardly fair to throw this at his feet right now. I did give up my life for him, but I gladly did it, and if I had to, I'd do it again in the blink of an eye. Even now.  
But I don't feel like being fair right now. I'm in pain, and I only want to hurt him back.

But he doesn't give up. He pleads with me.  
"Sy, _please_….Just… just let me explain."  
But I just stare down at the ground, my head swimming with a myriad of thoughts. I want to speak, but words just fail me. How could he do this? I know it was just a kiss. A kiss doesn't have to mean anything. But then why does it hurt so much?  
"He came onto me," his voice is low and desperate. I shake my head. I don't care who came onto who. All I know is that he kissed someone else… someone else's lips touched his. And... I feel sick at the thought.  
"It's true, Sy… I didn't mean to. But he kissed _me_. And I.. I …. Please, Sy, just listen to me. I would never, ever hurt you. Please don't tell me that you think I would. I love you more than my own life."

His voice breaks, but I can't listen to this anymore. I turn around, but he won't let me go. He grabs my waist, but I resist.  
"Sy, please don't walk away from me."

He forces me to turn, but I can't bear to look at him. He puts his finger under my chin making my eyes meet his.  
"Talk to me." It comes out in a whisper, but I still look away  
"Please?" he asks in a hushed tone. I open my mouth but nothing comes out. For a moment, we just stand there, both shaking and breathing hard with anger and shock and despair. It's as if time is standing still. We just stand there. When, finally, through a mist of unshed tears, I manage a look in his direction, I see his pleading eyes and something inside me gives way.  
There's only one thing to say.

"You said you loved me." My voice sounds broken.  
But that's how I feel. Broken.

With a strangled sob, I break free from him. Defeated, he drops his hands to his sides and lets me go.  
The flood of words pouring out of me is unstoppable now.

"You promised me. You said you'd never look at another man, because I am enough for you. You said… that I'm _enough_ for you." A sob escapes my lips.  
"But obviously I'm not, because if I was, you wouldn't go round kissing random men, would you? You say it doesn't mean anything. You say it was nothing. And still you did it. You still _did_ it...!"  
He wants to speak, but I won't let him. "Do you actually have any idea what you mean to me? Do you? I did give up my life for you, Christian, and I would again. I would. It was the best decision I ever made in my entire life. I knew that. I still know that. I thought it was the same for you. You called me your life partner. The one… the one you wanted to share the rest of your life with. That's what's kept me going. I lost everything. Everything, Christian. And I didn't care, because I had _you_. Because above and beyond anything else, I knew there would always be you. And now... now... I don't know that anymore... You took that away from me. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Do you? Do you?"

I finally run out of steam. In a feeble attempt to escape all the pain and all the anger rushing through me, I hurl myself on the bed, burying my head in the pillow, turning my back on him. I can't stop the tears any more. I just feel like crawling into a hole and crying myself into oblivion.  
I can feel him approach, but I don't want him to come close.

"Just go!" I cry. "I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to _see_ you. I want you to leave me alone."  
He's still there, I sense him hovering, hesitating. "Sy.." he attempts.  
"Just leave me _alone_!" I scream at him again "Just _go_ _away_!"

I hear his footsteps as he walks away, and my stomach churns. He's going.  
It's what I asked. It's what I want... isn't it? But then why does the sound of his footsteps hurt me even more than what he just told me?

I put my hands over my head, bury my face deeper into the pillow and cry. A little voice inside my head tells me that I'm overreacting. It was just a kiss. Am I willing to give up everything we built together for _that_?

And suddenly he's back. I can feel the mattress move under me with the weight of him as he kneels on the bed.  
"No." he says. His voice is quiet and determined. "No. I'm not going anywhere"

He puts his hands on my shoulders and tries to draw me close. But I struggle. I fight him desperately with everything I have.  
"Let me go!" I cry. But he doesn't listen. "Let me _go_!"  
"No" he just says quietly "I won't. I won't let you go" He's stronger than me, and my attempts to fight him off are futile. Before I know it, I'm in his arms and he holds my struggling body close to his chest. I don't give in though. I can't give in to that desperate heart of mine that wants him to take care of me. To tell me that everything will be okay. I can't give in...  
So instead, I pound my fists against his chest in utter frustration and powerlessness.  
"Let me go! Let me go!" I cry "I hate you, I hate you!"  
But my fighting power is already fading. And he just pulls me closer to him, and lets me fight it out.

"I _hate_ you!" I sob against his chest, when I finally accept defeat. "I really really hate you!" But I know he doesn't believe in my hate.  
I feel his strong arms envelop me, his soft hands comforting me, and I can only admit that it's the only place I want to be.

And then I feel something else. I feel his chest heave, I feel him shudder with each breath he takes and when I tentatively raise my head and watch him through my tear-hazed eyes, I see his eyes clenched shut, and a stream of tears rolling down his face.

It dawns on me then that he's just as scared of losing me than I am of losing him.

_**To be continued -and finished - very soon. **_  
_**Reviews much appreciated! **_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N I'm hurrying a bit to post this, so that it's up before the episode of today (04/01/2011) airs. Just to clarify... 95% of this was written before yesterday's episode, so it's not been influenced by what I've seen on screen... It's still a parallell universe... ;-)  
Enjoy! And please review... Thanks. _

**CHAPTER THREE**

We lie there for what seems like an eternity. Clinging on to each other as if our lives depend on it. When I finally feel my heartbeat slowing down to a normal pace, I swallow away my final tears and tentatively open my eyes.

Syed lies in my arms, his hands still tightly clenching my shirt, he's still breathing hard as he hangs on to the last remnants of his fury. He is watching me in silence. The tears and the anger have dissolved, but there's still so much pain in those beautiful eyes of his. I feel a stab in my heart. All that pain, and I put it there. How can I make him believe that that kiss was nothing? That it meant absolutely nothing. That the only thing that matters to me is him. And that that is why I couldn't lie to him. Nobody knew, and if I hadn't told him, he would never have found out. Maybe that would have been the easy way out. But then again, no… I don't want to lie to him. I want to be able to look myself in the eye, to look _him_ in the eye, and know that I am a hundred percent honest with him. It would kill me if I wasn't.

But is the truth worth it, if it causes so much pain?

I just took something away from him. From us. I took away his unrelenting, doubtless faith in me. I know that losing that faith – or at least some of it – is probably hurting him more than that fateful kiss itself. I know _that_ because I know _him_. And it hurts me as much as it hurts him. I mourn that loss, because it was one of the most precious treasures we possessed. I told him the truth, because I was convinced that honesty was the only way to safeguard it. And now maybe we lost it anyway. It pierces my heart like a knife.

"I'm so sorry" I finally mutter. Sorry is not enough to express my regret, but it's the only word I have.

He takes a shivering breath, and wipes the final tears from his face. He lets go of my shirt and pulls back a little, and I instinctively shrink with the fear that he may be leaving me after all. That a split-second stupid meaningless drunken mistake might have damaged us beyond repair.

But he doesn't turn away. Instead he reaches out and touches my jaw with shaking hands, and I feel relief wash over me.

"I shouldn't have said that I hate you" he says. His voice is hoarse from the crying "It's a lie. You _know_ I don't hate you."

I open my mouth to speak, but he puts his fingers on my lips. I see emotions play over his beautiful features and he seems to reach some kind of decision.

"Just… tell me one thing, Christian" he says. But he can't continue. His voice breaks, and he closes his eyes momentarily as he gathers himself. I can only wait.

When he opens them again, there's something new in them.  
Determination.  
That quiet determination I know and treasure, that same determination that ultimately made him choose for freedom, for love, for me…

"_Why_?"  
The question is so unexpected, I blink in shock. _Why_? There _is_ no why. It was a stupid, drunken mistake…. He must have seen the confusion on my face, and yet he is relentless.  
"Why did you do it, Christian? Why did you…. kiss someone else?" he can hardly say it, but he does, even though I can see how the words alone are cutting through his heart.

"And don't tell me you did it because you were drunk, Christian, because that's not a reason."  
I really don't know what to say. I don't _have_ a reason. There _is_ no reason.  
Or is there?  
"I don't… know…" I finally manage miserably. But he won't let it go.

"You do know. Tell me." His voice is gentle, much more gentle than I deserve.  
"I don't _know_" I insist. But his silence tells me he doesn't believe it. I tentatively look at him, and his still red-rimmed eyes are so kind it takes my breath away. I don't deserve this patience, all that unconditional love from this precious man.  
And that's when it hits me.  
I see the truth in front of me, as clearly as I see Syed's face. And the realization startles me.

He sees it in my face, I can tell he does, but I can't speak.  
"Say it" he says – and by the quiver in his voice I know he's afraid of what I'll say, but he still bravely presses on.

I shake my head, because I can't find the words. And when I do, I don't know how to say them. But now it's his turn to put his hand under my chin and make me face him.  
"Say it" he whispers again.

I take a long shaking breath, as I feel tears pushing to the surface. I blink to force them away, and still he looks at me with this quiet determination. He wants to know it all. No matter what it is I have to say. No matter how scared he is.  
And I owe it to him to tell him all.

"I freaked out."  
There it is.  
"I just _freaked_ _out_. And when I freak out, I revert to type…. And I …. I do stupid things" I shut my eyes closed, part of me hoping that this will be the end of it. But for Syed it's not enough. Of course it's not enough.

"What did you freak out about?" he asks. It's the question I feared he'd ask. How on earth do I explain? But there's no way back now.  
"About us!" I finally confess "I freaked out….. about us…"

Even though we're not touching now, I feel his whole body tense. I hear his breath catch, I sense how he struggles to repress another sob. It breaks my heart. I knew he was going to draw the wrong conclusions, and I hurry on to ease his mind, to make it clear what I meant.

I reach out my hand, and touch his face tentatively. He doesn't withdraw.  
I look in his eyes. It's time to say it all.

"You…." I mutter, not sure if I'm trusting my voice. "You… Sy... you are _everything_ to me. You have no idea how much you matter to me. You are the _only_ thing, the _only_ person that matters. My whole… life… is _you_… And sometimes that just really… really scares me…."  
I swallow. "I scares me, Sy, because I feel… I _know_… that all my hopes, all my dreams… all my wishes for the future… I'm pinning them all on you... And I'm so afraid that one day, you're going to wake up and look at me and wonder what the hell you're doing with this … pumped-up queen who's long past his sell-by date…."

He mumbles a protest, but I shake my head.  
"I mean it, Sy. You're still… so young, … and you've a whole new life to discover. And who am I to stop you? You deserve it. You fought for it. Bloody hard you fought. You deserve that life…"

"But I don't _want_…" he interrupts, but I press on, ignoring his protests.

"But for me, you are _it_, Sy. You are the one. You asked me just now why you're not enough for me. But you _are_. You are…. You're _all_ I want. Every hope, every expectation I have today is built on a life with you. And I never… never felt this for anyone. I've only ever relied on myself. And now I rely on _you_. I rely on _us_. And it scares the living daylights out of me…"

When I finally can't go on anymore, he uses my silence to complete his protest.  
"I don't _want_ a new life if it's not with you, Christian..."

"I know" I say, and I'm aware of how contradictory I sound, but I can't put it any other way.  
"I _know_…. And that's just it. Because while I build my life around you, you build yours around me. You are pinning all _your_ hopes and _your_ expectations on _me_. On me! And I don't exactly have a good track record, do I? I'm so afraid sometimes that I will mess up, that I will let you down. After everything you went through, everything you have left behind, for _me_… I'm so scared that I'm not worthy of all that trust, of all that love you're showering me with…"  
A bitter chuckle escapes my lips. "And so... what do I do, at the first sign of trouble…? I run off and do exactly that. I let you down…"  
It's done now. I've said it. I can't speak anymore. I don't even try to stop the tears anymore.

And he just looks at me. He's usually an open book to me, but right now I can't read the expression on his face. His eyes are kind though. It gives me hope.  
"Say something, Sy…. Say _something_… _anything_!"

But he just smiles, reaches out and wraps his hands around my face, and moves closer, so that our foreheads are touching. I let out a shivering breath.  
"Why have you never told me any of this, Christian?" he asks.  
I feel embarrassed suddenly. "I… I don't…"  
"Let me guess," he interrupts. "You didn't want anyone to think that maybe... just _maybe_… you're not always as strong as you make out to be"  
He pulls back slightly and tries to catch my eyes. I try to turn away, but his gentle hands turn my face back towards his.  
"Am I right?"  
I nod wordlessly.  
"There's no shame in admitting that you're scared sometimes, Christian" he assures me. "It only proves one thing. That you're human, like the rest of us."  
He smiles affectionately "I doesn't make me love you any less."  
"In fact…" he adds, as his thumbs wipe away the last tears from my face "if it was in any way possible, it would make me love you more"

Instinctively my hands find their way around his waist, and pull him close. I bury my face in the crook of his neck and breathe in his smell. My Syed. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Rationally I know that there is no reason to be scared. He loves me. I love him. Why on earth should I be scared?

"I hate feeling like this..." I admit. "And when I _do_ feel like this... so … insecure, I can't stop myself and I run back to my old life, to that simple, uncomplicated life, where nothing mattered, except having fun... where _I_ was in control... where I hadn't put my heart and soul in the hands of someone else."

The look in his eyes is such a gentle one, it takes my breath away.  
"And is that such a bad thing then, Christian? I have put _my_ heart in _your_ hands. And I trust you with it."  
My heart jumps up in my chest. I can barely believe that after everything that happened over the past few days he can just... simply... say that to me. And mean it.  
"I do." he reassures me.  
"How can you trust me... after... what I just told you?"  
He smiles. "I trust you... _because_ you told me."

"You know I get scared too sometimes" he says.  
"You make me so happy I can hardly believe it. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and I watch you sleep, that wonderful gorgeous man at my side, and I wonder what on earth it is I ever did to deserve someone like you to love _me_..."

He looks me straight in the eye.

"I'm not going _anywhere_, Christian. I'm staying here, right here with you. It's the only place I want to be. I told you before, and I'm telling you now... and I will tell you a hundred times more if you need to hear it : you are the most important thing in the world to me. I don't want to dwell on the past, Christian. I want to live for today. I want to look forward to tomorrow.  
You and me... that's all that matters. Don't ever forget it..."

He holds me as tightly as he can and I feel the tension in my body slowly ebbing away. We are quiet. Just together.

"Maybe it's good that this happened" he suddenly says. I'm confused, how can this be good? I pull back and watch him.  
"It's reminded us that we should talk more. Say to each other what we feel. I know I'm not that good at it..."  
I interrupt him "I think you've just proven that you _are_..."

But he shakes his head. "Seriously, Christian. If there's something on our minds, we should say it. Speak up. Talk to each other. Not bottle it up, ... " he hesitates slightly...  
"... not... freak out and go around kissing strangers in the pub..."

He's saying it jokingly, but so much of it is serious.  
And I know he's right. I squeeze his hand and bring it to my lips.

"Just promise me one thing" he adds  
"If you ever freak out again, and you feel the unstoppable urge to kiss someone...  
come and find _me_, okay?"

I see the twinkle in his eyes and I know he's forgiven me.

"Okay" I smile.  
"Besides" he says... "you don't necessarily have to wait until you freak out, you know..."

I'm now laughing out loud, as relief rushes through me.  
Then slowly, ever so slowly I move my head to his face, inhaling his scent as we breathe into each other. I pull him near, ready to cover his lips with mine in a mind-blowing kiss.

But he stops me, and I'm momentarily confused. Did I read him wrong?

"There's one more thing..." he says, and I look at him in worried expectation.  
"You... my darling... and don't you forget it...  
you are nowhere _near_ your sell-by date!"

Before I can respond, our lips are fused together. And everything just disappears. Everything apart from us.  
When we come back up for air, I look at his flushed face, and I just have to ask him.

"We're okay, Sy... aren't we?"

His face lights up in a smile.  
And I know we're just fine.

**** THE END ****


End file.
